GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: SIX SHORT STORIES
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“Alas, it is true. Grandpa hates me. He has always hated me, even before I used his ear as a swing toy (his lobes are so long and flappy!). I can’t imagine why. I assume Grandpa hates me simply because I am the bird – and he is not.”

Everybody loves Bird. Joseph and Maya, Mother and Father, Humphrey the dog, Slick the snake. Everyone except Grandpa, who will stop at nothing to set Bird free. Forever.

  • How does the battle begin when Bird and Grandpa are alone together for a whole week?
  • See classroom chaos in Bring Your Pet to School Day!
  • Exactly what are they hunting at the Aw Shoot archery range?

Fasten your feathers and warm up your wings—here are six collected short stories in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series!

 

GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: Not That Sick
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“What do you think, Bird? Should we play Killigan’s Island with Grandpa?” Maya asked.

I beat my wings as hard as I could to demonstrate my wish to flee. I flipped onto my back and stuck my legs in the air to simulate death. I did a Yak Yak Neck and threw up some breakfast to show the extent of my fear.

It must have been the fever or the purple medicine or the wads of tissue stuffed up Maya’s nose like walrus tusks (she kept them wedged there to absorb the flow), because Maya watched all my flappings and floppings and said, ‘Look, Grandpa! Bird’s really excited. Let’s play Killigan’s Island!’”

It’s all fun and games when Maya stays home sick—but not that sick—from school. She and Bird are having a blast…until Grandpa suggests a game of his own.

  • Which is stickier: honey or orange juice?
  • Can Bird resist the cheese crumb in Grandpa’s mustache?
  • What do dirt, tarantulas, purple Sharpie pens and shredded newspaper have in common?

Join Bird and Maya for a day of fun, frolic and, yes, fear in the side-splitting 7th short story in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series!

 

GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: The Battle Begins
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“I am no fool. I knew that if I were wanted to make it to the end of the week alive, I would have to avoid upsetting Grandpa as much as possible. No singing, no playful nips, no jaunty bell.” Bird and Grandpa stay home in Massachusetts while Mother, Father, Joseph and Maya head south for a winter holiday. When Grandpa determines to set tropical Bird free in freezing February, Bird must use every bit of bird brain power to outsmart him.

  • Will Bird become a parrot popsicle?
  • What’s in the creepy second bedroom where no one ever goes?
  • Do Grandpa and Bird play Dig a Hole to China and Send Birdie on a Trip?

In the spirit of Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, and Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote, here come Bird and Grandpa in the hilarious first short story in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series!

 

GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: The Bird Is the Word
grandpa_word“I waited three months at the pet store before choosing Joseph and Maya. Well, I wasn’t going to make my home with just anyone, was I? And I certainly was not going to live alone with a grown-up. No, no, I much prefer the company of children. Children, unlike adults, know how to have a good time. They make Witches Brew out of shaving cream, root beer, and yesterday’s spaghetti. Now that’s my idea of fun!”

When Joseph and Maya show up at The Bird Is the Word pet store, Bird knows he’s finally found the perfect family. Well, almost perfect. They’ve brought Grandpa along with them.

  • Will Grandpa be able to convince the family that Bird has a terrible disease?
  • What’s Yak Yak Neck?
  • Does Bird play Find the Seed inside Grandpa’s mustache?

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the uproarious second short story in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series! Special Bonus Feature: Flight. Everything you wanted to know about how Bird gets around.

 

GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: Bring Your Pet to School Day
“It was my favorite day of the year: Bring Your Pet to School Day. Most schools do not observe this particular holiday, which I personally believe should be made into a national event like Take Your Child to Work Day, the Fourth of July or Secretary’s Day, Super Bowl Sunday or even National Forest Products Week. There was just one dim spot in my rainbow of happiness, and it was walking next to us: Grandpa.”

It’s Bring Your Pet to School Day and Bird’s buddy Humphrey the dog has the blues. Bird does his best to cheer up his friend, but one laughing, slobbering 200-pound mastiff + one albino python dangling from the ceiling lights = twenty screaming kids and Grandpa on the run!

  • Which came first: Mandy the teacher or Mandy the hamster?
  • If you don’t have a pet, is it okay to bring in a rock instead?
  • Do pythons eat ferrets?
  • Will Bird and Grandpa play Dive Bomb Birdie?

Join Bird and Joseph for another crazy adventure in this wacky and wild third short story in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series!

 

GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: Esposito’s Ice Cream Emporium
grandpa_ice“It was Grandpa’s idea to go to Esposito’s Ice Cream Emporium. Well, even extremely dull and evil people can have the occasional good idea, can’t they?”

There are 28 flavors of ice cream at Esposito’s Ice Cream Emporium, but only one of them is poisonous to birds: chocolate. Guess what Grandpa orders?

  • What’s the only part of the human skeleton that’s outside the human body?
  • How many nostrils are there in Maya’s classroom?
  • How good is Bird at playing dead?

Find out the answers to these and other burning questions in the madcap fourth short story in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series! Plus, find out how Bird got his name in a special bonus feature!

 

GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: Big Mistake
grandpa_mistake“I began my morning with a good long sing perched on the curtain rod in Mother and Father’s bedroom. It’s a cheerful, sunny spot and so high up that no one ever notices the droppings I leave behind.”

While Joseph and Maya are at school, Bird roams the neighborhood with best friends Humphrey the giant dog and Slick the albino python. When they find a mangy, snaggle-tooth kitten caught in a tree, Bird thinks “predator,” Humphrey thinks “annoying,” Slick thinks “lunch” and Grandpa thinks “My Fluffy!” Who’s right?

  • Why is Slick so cranky?
  • Will kind Humphrey accidently crush the tiny kitten in his huge slavering jaws?
  • Can Grandpa climb a tree?
  • Is the kitten really an embodiment of evil?

Join Bird and his animal friends in this death-defying fifth short story adventure in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series. Plus, find out the real story behind why Grandpa hates Bird!

 

GRANDPA HATES THE BIRD: Aw Shoot
grandpa_awshoot“Every so often, Joseph and Maya have ‘”Special Time'” with Grandpa. ‘Special Time,’ I have determined, is when a child spends time alone with an adult doing something the adult thinks the child will enjoy. To my great surprise, Joseph and Maya actually look forward to these outings. In the past, ‘Special Time’ with Grandpa has included attending the Hats Off to Horror film festival, a trip to the local sewage processing plant, and sock shopping—for Grandpa.”

This time, Bird, Joseph and Maya have Special Time with Grandpa at an archery range. With real bows and arrows. And live targets.

  • Will Bird be able to save his fine feathered friends?
  • Where did Hop the dog get his name?
  • When Maya plays Hide-and-Seek with her stuffed bunny, who wins?

Enjoy another tale of heroic adventure in the unforgettable sixth short story in the Grandpa Hates the Bird series. Plus, hear Grandpa’s side of the story in a special bonus feature!